I have this journal for more than two years now but I didn’t give it a second read. As the music of the rain started playing outside, I made myself warm and cozy under my blanket and grab the journal under my pillow. I opened the first page and what’s written is, ” I have a Perfect Life.”
“I have a perfect life. I feel so loved and adored by the people around me. In our school, the guards will greet me Good Morning everyday with a smile on their faces.
I have a perfect life. I have found the ever supportive and the greatest friends in the world.
I have a perfect life. Everyday is the best day ever.
I have a perfect life. I am so blessed.
I have a perfect life.
I have a perfect life. One friend was betraying me all along. Considered me as a rival, as an enemy. Has been stabbing my back all this time. Has been making up stories.
I have a perfect life. All the people I love are fighting over the smallest things and what’s supposed to be amazing turned to something hateful.
I have a perfect life. The guy I imagined my future with left me all of a sudden without leaving a reason why.
I have a perfect life. That friend that loved me sincerely, died.
I have a perfect life. I forgave that friend who betrayed me. Considered his reasons. Give him my whole trust again. Apologized for no reason because I believe he’s worth my pride.
I have a perfect life. All the people I love was glued together again.
I have a perfect life. Time healed my wounds.
I have a perfect life. My friend destroyed my trust and stab me from behind once again. He betrayed me again. Now, he has the whole class on his back. I have them all against me. I’m all by myself.
I have a perfect life. My pillows were there just as when I needed something to lean on.
I have a perfect life. They all started fighting again.
I have a perfect life. Every night my cries blend with the silence of the dark. Facing the side of the wall from my bed, afraid for my tears to be seen as it shimmers in the dim.
I have a perfect life. The person who said he doesn’t want me hurt, hurt me.
I have a perfect life. The person who said he doesn’t want me to cry, made me cry.
I have a perfect life. The person I thought I could run into, turns out to be the one I’m running from.
I have a perfect life.”
I have a perfect life. The coldness that felt like a thousand knives to stab me doesn’t hurt anymore. The perfect life I have taught me to be tough. Then I realized, my being tough, is my being numb.
I have a perfect life. Or did I? I always thought my life is perfect because I always focus on the good side of everyday despite of everything that happened. But sometimes, I just think it is because I already get used to all the heartbreaks and the tears. The shattering and the pain.
Sometimes, I only think it’s perfect because the pain is already normal to me.
Still, I’m holding on to that little brittle of hope that everything happens for a reason. I have a perfect Life.