Three words my soul kept whispering: “Break free. Again.”
In the present, this exterior is imprisoned in the criteria of a modernized city, framed by the blend of skyscrapers and rusted roofs , in a continuous infinite cemented road and the judging eyes of the toxic air. And from every corner of this unknown streets, my eyes are searching for a familiar face, for a familiar place, a familiar feeling, but the only familiar i found is the panic from this claustrophobic feeling of being caged in the timeframe I don’t belong to and the standards I am not fit into.
There were images. A sepia-colored words that depict the pictures and scenes of a vintage place with a brutal purple and blue warmth of sweat that swarms around the cell of my soul’s eyes. This was the woman I was before, held by the poor expectations of different sleeves and hat, and was asked by various shawls to cover her bruises and scars sent by heaven. But she won’t allow, because the only bruises and scars her body was marked are her name and her character- the exact title and definition of who she is. The only shawl she will allow to cover her shoulders is her skin, and she will never let the society composed of perfectionist eyes to dress her to their standards. So she break free from the chains that held her back from reaching eternal bliss.
This mind is starting to believe in reincarnation, once she realized that her body and her soul are two different worlds. This woman- I, wants to pull her skirts up and run the path wildly that leads to the life of the real world. I want to sneak out at the dangers of the night and watch how the world goes while all people slumbers. I want to play different sports. I want to dance my heart out to the loudest beat without feeling embarrassed. I want to laugh so hard until my stomach hurts. I want to seek mountains, climb the top, breathe its air and watch the view of the endless land beneath its height. I want to learn how to swim the ocean, I want to swim its vast and endless sight of the engulfing, wild waters, I want to wander its depths and race with the million creatures living in it. I want to climb the highest trees I will meet on my journey and not be afraid of the scratches I might get from them. I want to dive the skies, I want to jump from the plane and spread the wings of my arms, then shout my name on the clouds and not be afraid of falling. I want to learn how to fly a plane and swarm around the clean white and blue skies, watching the miniature of the world under me. I want to watch the natural beauty of earth, and see the northern lights and the universe against the thin curtain of the night while I was curled up in my blanket. I want to go in a road trip with the most important people of my life and sing so loud in the road, then camp on the mountains.
I want to go wild, I want an adventure while my knees are able. I want to have a life. I want to break free. The woman inside me does. But the body I was locked in is imprisoned behind trying to be the normal, decent woman the society means.
If this is the definition of normal. Then normal is scary.
Who I am today, is a woman I can’t yet define and recognize. The name I was ask to hold is unfamiliar and the character within me is a fragile broken entity. This woman aches to be known, she craves to be recognized, and the tears she cried every night is from the exhaustion of pouring out words from her hollow mind, trying to define her, but the words that came out are shallow despite feeling all the pain and forlorn sensations she needs, to craft a meaning and a purpose. The soul inside this body, is a woman who wants to break free. Tired from the criteria set for her individuality and the marks that define herself. This woman has the wounds she’s tired of wearing- the measurements that outline who she is. This woman is the same woman who broke free. Tired of this feeling she had from her past life, she kept whispering the words “Break free. Again”
-Photo and Art by Stefan Pabst.